Dawn of the Dead

     This is the infamous sequel to Night of the Living Dead. Dawn of the Dead was a bit more mainstream than its predecessor, mostly due to George Romero trying to outdo Night of the Living Dead after it became such an unexpected success. 

      The storyline supposedly takes place the following day, even though it's obviously not, due to the different, more modern clothes and hairstyles. Anyway, the dead are still being resurrected for some as yet unknown reason (it was hinted as space radiation in the first film, but never confirmed) and are outnumbering the police and military, and eventually starting to overrun the planet. At a television station, people are panicking and abandoning their jobs as TV informants and are heading for who knows where. 

      A helicopter pilot, his girlfriend, a military buddy, and his friend take to the skies, trying to figure out what the hell to do next. They come across a huge shopping mall (another storyline continuation discrepancy since they didn't have malls when the original film came out in 1968) and land on the roof. There are a few zombies roaming around, but not many. They soon realize the benefits of staying there for a while. They rid the mall of the few zombies it has in it and blocks off all the entrances to the mall with freight trucks. 

      Finally, after getting some sleep, they milk the mall for all it's worth, which is quite a lot. Food, clothes, televisions, radios, and ammunition as far as the eye can see. While placing the freight trucks, one of the men gets bitten on the leg by a zombie. Three days later, he dies, then comes back, then dies again, and is buried in the mall garden courtyard. 

      All goes well for a while until the mall is raided by a gang of motorcycle bandits. In fighting for what he has claimed as his, the helicopter pilot flips out and fights back. He ends up wounded and then attacked by zombies, dies, resurrects, and comes after the only two remaining live people he knows of. The rest of the zombies follow him and bombard the upstairs sanctuary they've created, leaving the military guy and the pilot's girlfriend to escape in the only way possible... straight up. They fly off in the helicopter (thankfully, he taught his girlfriend how to fly it) and that's the end. 

      I have to say that I was a little disappointed when it ended. There were just too many unanswered questions. Near the beginning of the movie, we find out that the pilot's girlfriend is pregnant, but she's like 18 months along at the end when they fly away. Also, where the hell did they go with almost no fuel left? I guess it was so that they could make another sequel (which they did, and much like this one it differs greatly in time discrepancy). The movie basically ends right where it began, so it makes a good transition between part one and part three. 

     The movie seems to be making a statement about consumerism, seeing that the zombies are attracted to the mall because it's what they remember from their life before dying and the need to buy stuff.  The message from the first film was that if everyone had worked together and not been fighting continuously, they might have actually survived.  This movie was recently remade and unlike the great majority of movie remakes, this one is actually pretty damn good. Scary as hell, mostly because the zombies could run and were a hell of a lot more threatening.

The Children

     The Children is another wonderful yet practically impossible movie to find. It's one of Troma's least popular movies (at least in comparison to "Toxic Avenger" and "Class of Nuke 'em High).  I can't imagine why because it's a jewel of a movie. It's a totally classic film featuring Troma's most patented story plot, the side effects of nuclear waste. 

      A school bus is bringing happy singing kids home and passes through a suspicious yellow cloud. We learn that a nearby nuclear facility has had an uncontainable leak of toxic waste. The bus and children do not arrive home as scheduled and when the school bus is finally located off to the side of the road, the bus driver and all the children are missing. 

     Pretty soon, the youngsters are seen walking around in a trance-like state and have mysterious black fingernails. When parents go to hug them, the parent begins to smoke, burn, and are eventually reduced to a blistered pile of goo that only sort of resembles a human. The children hug and melt parents, siblings, babysitters, etc. for most of the movie (very cheesy special effects that are really side-splittingly funny). 

      Pretty soon the problem is recognized and the children are exterminated. All seems well, but soon afterward when one of the main characters' wives gives birth... the child has mysterious black fingernails. Much like the movie "Village of the Damned", this film has a special kind of creepiness to it because it uses innocent-looking children as murderous monsters. One of Troma's better films and well worth seeking out!

Killer Condom

     This is another gem from Troma. A little different though, it's in French, thankfully with subtitles, and actually had an air of quality to it that most Troma movies lack, due to the fact that H.R. Giger (artist, most popular for having designed the creature in the high budget film Alien) was recruited to design the Killer Condom. 

      Anyway, the story goes... a man in a sleazy motel gets his penis bitten off and the woman performing fellatio on him is the presumed culprit. She's soon exonerated due to many other attacks on different men's penises around town. Inspector Mackaroni, a gay chain-smoking sleuth with one testicle is on the prowl for what's attacking men all over town. 

      They soon discover vicious, hungry organisms that look like condoms and are biting off weenies left and right. That's right, it's the rubber that rubs you out. The condoms are hilariously fanged and can even run. Inspector Mackaroni soon discovers that these creatures are being genetically manufactured by a woman scientist with a hatred for men, especially gay men (I guess if one penis makes her mad, then two penises really pisses her off.) It's a very funny film with a lot of laughs and definitely worth seeking out.

Class of Nuke 'em High

     Class of Nuke 'em High is one of Troma's greatest hits. For those of you who don't know what Troma is... it's a production company that for a while had its own actors that repeatedly starred in most of its early films. Troma also buys and reproduces old and otherwise lost cult films. They're also known as the Troma Team. Some of their more recent self-produced films have been beyond awful, even for cultfiends like us.  They certainly do have a few very entertaining movie gems though, but the rest look like they were filmed with a simple camcorder and have some of the worst acting ever. As always, it's a matter of taste. But the fact remains that Troma has an undeniable cult following and deserves its rightful position among the strangely elite. 

      Class of Nuke 'em High is a great movie with a really fun plot. As with most of Troma's movies, this one centers around the topic of nuclear waste. A nuclear plant that is next door to Tromaville High School begins to leak toxic waste and starts turning teenagers into violent thugs. 

      A certain gang of drug pushers starts selling pot that is grown out of toxic chemical waste and when a high school preppie named Warren and his girlfriend Chrissy smoke a toxic joint at a party, they start undergoing strange changes and bizarre happenings. Warren turns into a green drooling sort of disgusting superhero, that is compelled to fight crime and his girlfriend Chrissy belches up a weird worm-like creature that gets flushed down the school commode and ends up in a barrel of toxic waste where it grows to an enormous size. 

      When a gang of thugs known as The Cretins gets kicked out of school for violence and drug dealing, they take revenge by trashing the school. Unbeknownst to The Cretins, there is a huge, tall, slimy, worm thing in the school basement that seems pretty pissed off (maybe because he's protecting his "mommy" Chrissy). 

      The worm thing eats Cretins left and right and when it gets its tentacles on Chrissy (Mommmiee...), Warren finds a laser and beams it at this wormy thing. It lets Chrissy go and everybody gets out (well, almost everybody). Moments later, the worm monster explodes, and the school explodes too and creates a lot of really happy students (school's out!!!) Reading, writing, and radiation! Great fun!

Motel Hell

     This campy little classic has grown in cult status over the years. At first, it was hard to find but eventually, a DVD of it came out both on its own and as a double feature, coupled with a film based on the exploits of Ed Gein called "Deranged". 

      It stars an almost ancient Rory Calhoun as Farmer Vincent, who along with his sister Ida (Nancy Parsons, most known for her role as Coach Balbricker from Porky's) runs the famous (at least locally) Farmer Vincent's Smoked Meats, the tastiest barbecue and beef jerky in the south. 

      Vincent has all sorts of booby traps that he uses to ensnare hapless victims who are then buried up to their neck in a sort of human garden, have their vocal cords severed so they can't scream (just gurgle a lot), and are kept there with bags over their heads until they are "ripe for the picking". He then cleans them, smokes them, and sells them to the greater southern populace who loves his meats and keeps coming back for more. His basic philosophy is "Meat is Meat and Man's Gotta Eat". 

      Eventually, Vincent traps a couple on a motorcycle, plants the boyfriend in the "garden", tells the girlfriend that he died, and since the girlfriend is pretty, Vincent decides to keep her, not exactly sure why because he treats the girl more like a lost puppy than a scared young woman. Vincent's brother (conveniently the sheriff, and one of the biggest cannibals in the whole county) also falls for the newcomer, but to much amazement, she decides that she wants to marry Vincent (what could a pretty young blonde in her 20s possibly want with a 75-year-old Rory Calhoun?) 

      Anyway, eventually, she learns the secret of Vincent's marvelous meats, appropriately disagrees, and is put on some type of meat-slicing machine alive, all the while Vincent and little brother Sheriff have a chainsaw duel (Vincent wears a pigs head, really creepy), just to have the damsel in distress be saved by the lovelorn sheriff at the last moment. 

      As for Ida... well, one of the "garden people" gets loose, releases all the others, and together (massively gurgling the whole way) hunts Ida down and buries her in the garden... upside down. It's funny, at the end of the movie there's what appears to be a poignant moment when Vincent is dying and explaining his horrible actions to his brother, which you think would be remorse for forcing cannibalism on his unknowing customers, and yet his most horrible action of all... he used preservatives.

The Evil Dead

     The Evil Dead was the first movie collaboration with Director Sam Raimi and actor Bruce Campbell. It spawned two more sequels making it a trilogy, plus a remake and a sequel to the remake. 

      The story starts as a group of 5 young people takes a vacation in a deserted cabin deep in the woods, far from where anyone can hear you scream (sounds like the ideal getaway doesn't it). During their mundane partying, they hear noises in the basement (which appears to be about three times bigger than the house itself) so they investigate. They find a tape recorder, a strange dagger, and a book (Noturam Demontos, book of the Dead). As they listen to the tape recorder, a man describes how the reciting of the passages of the book can awaken the evil beings that haunt the forests and dark bowers of man's domain. The man on the tape recorder recites the passages and before long the forest starts to come alive. 

      One by one, the happy vacationers are possessed by evil demons and start killing and eating each other. The main character "Ash" is for some reason, never possessed, but has to deal with his sister, girlfriend, best buddy, etc... all getting possessed and turning into vigorous flesh-eating evil possessed creatures. 

     Unfortunately, they can't leave because the surrounding forests seem to be possessed also. One girl tries to escape and is actually raped by a tree. Poor Ash goes through hell just trying to survive the night because hopefully, the demons will recede back into the forest when the sun rises. Until then, he has to dismember and bury his girlfriend (which doesn't really work). He gouges eyes, chops up friends, and gets lots of blood splattered everywhere. 

      When he finally becomes the only non-possessed, non-dismembered person there, and it's almost dawn, he thinks he's gonna be alright...not in this film.  In this, the first entry in the Evil Dead franchise, the movie seems to be trying to be as scary as possible but comes out a bit humorous.  Then in the second entry, it's meant to be humorous but oddly comes out much scarier.  Then part three came along and was just full-out Three Stooges comedy.  Not appreciating such slapstick humor, I didn't really like part three at all.  Stick with this one, it's by far the best of the lot.

Strait-Jacket

     This little gem starring Joan Crawford is a must-see. It covers all the essentials... campiness, a stupid plot, bad acting, and an aging Hollywood superstar with nothing else to do but try desperately to save her failing career. This film was made by William Castle (House on Haunted Hill) who had always used gimmicks with his movies (buzzing theater seats for "The Tingler" and a flying skeleton for "House on Haunted Hill").  He was told that he couldn't use gimmicks anymore (why not, they were such fun?) and then stumbled upon the perfect gimmick of all time when he found Joan Crawford. She had been making movies for a hell of a long time, with a hit here and there, but it appeared that she was losing ground as an actress. "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" made Joan Crawford a hot item once again, but it didn't last for long. This film followed soon afterward and really is a pretty good performance on Crawford's part, proving that she could still be an incredible actress when she wanted to (can't say anything good about anyone else in this movie though). 

      Alright, so the movie opens when Lucy Harbin (Joan Crawford) comes home early from a trip and catches her husband screwing an old girlfriend. She takes an ax, chops them to bits, and is carted off to the loony bin. Their daughter witnesses the entire event. Fast forward twenty years, Lucy is finally released from the asylum and goes to stay with her daughter. All seems fine... the daughter is a pretty young woman now, is a sculptress, and is engaged to a handsome young man. 

      Things couldn't be going better... until Lucy starts to have nightmares about the murders and wakes up next to two severed heads and hears an eerie nursery rhyme about herself repeated incessantly (Lucy Harbin took an ax and gave her husband forty whacks and when she saw what she had done, she gave his girlfriend forty-one) which is set to the tune that was originally made up for Lizzie Borden. 

      Strange events begin to happen and people start disappearing. Everything points to Lucy, of course. We also learn that the gentleman that Lucy's daughter is engaged to be married to is the son of a wealthy, prominent, businessman. Lucy's daughter Carol is positive that her fiances' parents are not going to allow their son to marry a woman whose mother is a certified but rehabilitated lunatic. So she assumes that having her mother recommitted (and out of the picture) is the only solution. 

      Lucy, herself actually walks in on someone who looks just like her in the process of committing an ax murder. A scuffle ensues and the "other" Lucy Harbin has their mask pulled off. Surprise, surprise... it's Carol. Having made the mask from a sculpture she had created of her mother's face. Including the severed heads that Lucy found in her bed.  All done by Carol in an attempt to drive poor Lucy over the edge again, so she can have her stupid fiances parents like her. Kinda dumb, but still very entertaining.  

     Joan had some rather difficult policies that she enforced on set that everyone else had to just grin and bear, simply because she was the obvious star and knew that she was gonna get her way.  She insisted that the temperature on the set be kept at basically below freezing because she believed that this kept her face taunt and wrinkle-free.  Joan never did handle aging very well.  William Castle used her in a few more movies but soon gave up on remaking her into the star she once was.  Maybe he just got tired of always being so damn cold all the time.